Allah, You may intervene now

Getting worse before they get better

2005-06-22T15:29:00.000-07:00

I'm on anti depressants again. Seroxat again. I read reports that they make people feel suicidal, but I hadn't had any problems before. So I started off on them this morning, and haha guess what? I feel worse! I could not move form the house everything seemed like a huige effort. Normally, I ama a busy person with lots of things to do on my mind and today I felt so suicidal at the thought of looking for carpet for the house. All I did was watch DVD's today. It's so hot outside and that kinda makes me feel worse. I hate it when it's sunny.

I am doing what the counsellor tells me and do things bit by bit. Yesterday I went back to play football. And I scored. So that made me feel good.

Today is another story entirely. I keep thinking about hanging myself.

Why? Cos it feels like hell where I am at now and I can barely stand it. I want an end to feeling like this, it can be so overwhelming it's so hard to resist the temptation to kill myself.

It makes sense, no?

Well at least the pills are a postive step, and I am still seeing my counsellor. It's all so fragmented this road to recovery. It's 1 step fwd 2 steps back. I am trying my best to go easy on myself, its a very precariuos situation I am in, I fell like any minor upset could bring this whole thing toppling down around my ears. And there's the constant 'strain' 'pressure' anxiety' of my daily responsibilities. I cannot handle them right now and I am neglecting a lot. Just the thought of painting the bathroom floor gives me shivers. Where's all my energy gone?

Still the thought of hanging myself feels ever welcoming.

GOD WHEN WILL THIS EVER FUCKING END

A tiny step towards sanity

2005-06-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

So I went to my counselling sesison. And tried to give an idea about how I have been. It's very hard for me to talk infront of my counsellor. I do not like to cry infront of people. I do not like to look like I am weak. My tears make me feel ashamed. this is we discovered because in my family, vulnerability is ridiculed and taken advantage of.

I realise I am ill. I am almost rational about it. That doesn't stop it feeling so real and permeating every aspect of my life.

I don't know what's up with me and J. She's been coming over to look after me the last few nights and it's been lovely her being here. I am wondering why I ever wanted to break up with her. I thought it was the relationship that was making me unhappy and it wasn't it was my depression and my insecurity. J is a beautiful funny girl and that makes me feel threatened and insecure. I feel sometimes like I am in competition with her I guess that is not healthy. What hurts is that she has blossomed since breaking up and I have gotten even more depressed. I guess she needs to totally go from my life in order for me to recover properly. My insecurites might well be at the root of all of this.

At the moment I am too weak. I feel broken and defeated. I can barely keep my mind together let alone a relationship. I feel so sick. I feel almost physically ill.

The counsellor said I need to make small steps and value the steps that I take toward my recovery. So if that means not getting drunk one night, that's a plus. At least I am consciously doing something to aid my recovery. I need to loko at it like when I was at the gym. Even tho I was still overweight I felt good about myself that I was doing something about it. Even when I see overweight people at the gym, they might be feeling insecure and down about their size but i look at them with respect cos they are doing something about what they are unhappy about.

I just have to fit the same outlook onto my mental health. Fixing myself mentally is gonna be much harder than losing a few pounds.

Tomorrow if I can, I would like to go to see my doctor and get prescribed anti depressants again. This would be a positive step for me cos I would be showing myself that I am taking my mental health seriously enough to do something about it. Also, I know that I cannot drink while I am on medication. Cutting out the drink might help me. It probably would but I am not sure I can.

One small step at a time.

But what to do about J. I think sometimes that we should either be together or not see each other at all. I feel confused about my feelings when she is around and I start to think we are together again. I mean, we behave in the same ways.

I wonder if she will stay tonight.

Why did I wake up this morning?

2005-06-15T14:47:00.000-07:00

This blog is turning into a right barrel of laughs.

Ok so yesterday decide to get yself out of the house to fend off the moping depressive state I am in. It ws very hard getting my shit together to go out but I mamaged it just about. I had arranged to meet Ls and C to go to the Tate Modern. I was late of course so the other two decided to have a drink while they where waiting for me. Hmmm, not the best start to day fighting depression.

We had a couple of drinks and I noticed Ls being a little strange, like distracted and uninterested. I can't figure her out. I met her a year or so ago at a club and it turns out we work close to each other so I often pop in to say hello during my lunch break. At first she was all jumpy around me, kinda like when someone has a crush on you. Which is perplexing given how revolting I'ev been feeling for a while now. And she is actually very striking looking. The a couple fo weeks ago she calls me at 2am while I am asleep to tell me she thinks I am sexy. Then when I saw her next she claimed not to remember calling me. She never seems very comfortable in her skin, and has these barriers up all the time which can make it hard work just having a chat or a drink.

So that's what she was like yesterday so I felt obliged to make more of an effort which is the last thing I need right now given how I have no energy to do anything let alone entertain people (fuck just thought, probably not a good idea to organise big birthday bash this weekend).

Anyway we finally make it to the Tate to realise that the Frida Kahlo exhibit is on btu at a tenner a throw isn't something that any of us can afford. So I devise a little scam using my out of date Press Card which would get us all in. C is up for it but Ls is getting jumpier and edgier so says she'll wait for us. Damn shame, she's a real fan. So me and C in the Kahlo section for like 15 mins when I get a text from Ls to say she has to go and meet another friend to buy a hat.

Bit pissed off t er but, hey I don't know her so well so what could I say?

After the Tate C and I go for a drink at Retro both of us are feeling down by this point. C not really happy about her situation and me - well of course. We go up to Cons which I have really started to despise cos of the naff people who go there. Shallow, boring but so happens that we know a lot of dykes who go there. I decide I wana go to W bar..whcih is where thngs really start to go wrong.

My depressive state is kind of plateaud at this point, I always have wierd experienecs around the sort of people who go to W bar. Why the hell do I go there? All this tiem J has been on my mind and I am confused and she is confused about what is happeneing with us. We have officially broken up but my depression has broughrt us closer together. I started texting her a week or two after we split cos my moods where getting so depressed I didin;t know who else I could call. I had been speaking to C but I dunno didn't want to bother her with my troubles all of the time.
J has been really good to me the last few weeks and I have erally needed her around.

I still sometimes think that I want to get back with her but rationally I don't think that is a good idea. She is very hurt for what I did and I am very depressed and that's not a good foundation of a relationship, is it?

So all of this is filling my mind yesterday when we get to W bar.Immediately I see I and punkboi. Punkboi and I met the first time last year but i don't remember so well. Then I saw him again at W bar and sensed he like me. This is when me and J started to fall apart. Ihad a couple of chats with him in whcih it was clear we liked each other a lot. Punkboi was seeing I and I was with J so nothing was goiing to happen between us. I went back to the same bar a week or two later and we again started having seriuos chat's about our mutual interst in each other and we agreed to meet. Bear in mind there is a lot of drink involved here and I often say things I don't mean in the frame of mind. At this point I sense that I. is starting to not likeme very much - naturally-which is a little disconcerting because she used to flirt a lot with me last year. I always imagined that particualr crew to be all about 'free love' and screwing whomever whenever with no comeback. Hey i guess peoplef orget it doesnt really work like that!

So I. used to be very flirty with me til I guess she sees Punkboi and I talking intimately. Note to self - don't believe all the crap that queers apout about fucking/flirting with no consequence. They talk nonsense. Anyway so finally I go up and have a chat with Punkboi and again its the same level of intimate convesation we've been hainv in the past til I confess that i would like to get with both Punkboi and I. So he suggests i talk to I. about it. I incidently is kinda intimidating. I'm told she is a pussy cut underneath but that didnt make the prospect of propositioning her and her bf any less daunting. Keep bearing in mind that I ahve been drinking since about 2.30 pm. God I ahte drinking. Why do I do it? So I go and have a chat with I. thinking in the back of my mind that she does have some kind of attraciton towards me given the gaydar messages sh'd sent me in the past. So I tell ehr what i told Punkboi and she says very coolly, 'thatnks very much but I don't see you in that way'.(INSERT SOUND OF EGO CRUSHING).

How embarrassing. Yes I feel like a prize tit. And it's not a nice feeling.

If that is not bad enough earlier in teh evening I'd mentioned to Ls (she'd turned up at W bar aswell) that I was feeling horny, and she pointed me ni the direction of H whom I know vaguely and who is indeed quite cute but not really my type at all. I did chat with H, but thankfully even in my state I didnt say anything I regret today.

And the to cap it all off whcih might give my ego a bit of a boost. I also spoke to S whom I have slept with in the past and is into BDSM whicI am intersted in and we agreed to do it again at some point.

And you know what after all that, how do you think I feel today? Like absolute crap. i feel totally disgusting. Just too much. Evrything is too much and excessive these days with me. I eat shit food, I don;'t go running or the gym, I drink nearly every night and ai smoke tioio many cigarettes. I feel bloated in every possible way. And I know why i am doing it. I am doing it to escape this horrioble way I am feeling. If I was happier I would be treating my body better and treating myself better and having mroe self respect . At the moment I don;'t fel like I ahve very much. I am in a dangerous stae I am liable to do anything. INcluding commit suicide.

J called me and said she was coming over to stay att mine so I left the bar and got on the train back. As I caught the lst train I staerted to feel fvery very low indeed and I started thinking about R as I listed to that album that I was playing around the time she died. I thought about her and how young she was when she died. Not so much that I missed her but that the was so young and that she was gone from the planet forever. ANd then i started thining how much i would like no to be here any more and how much I could be where she is away from life. And how I didn't want to live any more. Walking back from the train station I am crying now and talking to in my head, please take me with you get me out of here, please get me out of here.
Last night and these days I feel like I am already in hell and the scary thought I have been having recently is that I am starting tobelieve that Allah will forgive me if I do commit suicide. I cannot express how dead I feel inside.

So really all of tha nonsense from last night shouldnt matter, I am not myself these days and I don't even like those people I was trying to pick up. I just want to escopae this hell I am in by distracting myself. I am not sure what else I can do or rather I do not ahve the will or the motivation to help myself get better.

a going to my therapy today, I am going to have to confess how bad things are and that I think I should eb on medicatino again.

I don't know.

Meanwhile J is worried sick about me and that makes me feel guilty cos she doesnt deserve to put up with this. She is so kind she said that i don;t desrve to feel like this. No I don't. IO don't deserve to feel like this and I certainly don't desrve to feel like killing myself. All I know si yesterday all I could think about was throwing myself under a train.

How much longer this way? And who's gonna win?

I do not even care .

What are you doing today? Dunno, slashing my wrists?

2005-06-14T02:21:00.000-07:00

Rudley awoken by the decorator whom I had told not to come back after the disaster he had created in my house yesterday. He had clearly never painted anything in his life and now I have to get it cleaned up and start again.

J stayed at mine last night. C, her gf and I had bumped into her on Sunday night at the bar. I knew it was gonna be an odd night. I hadn't even wanted to go but C and gf twisted my arm. I knew I would see J. It was that kinda night. I kinda even knew that I would see J2. That was more of a surprise. When I realised that both these people were her, I just resigned myself to getting drunk. L was there a so called mate of mine whom J had told me had tried to pick her up last week, a mere 7-8 days after we'd split up. C was convinced that there had been a misunderstading or that J had made it up. C is very close to L. Anyway so I went and spoke to L who said yes, very matter of factly that she had tried to pick up my ex gf of 7-8 days. I told her that that was insensitive and upsetting to me and if I couldn't trust my mates, who could I trust. Then got up and went to the pool table and started chatting to one of the twins who was sitting and sketching the pool table. C and her gf came and found me and told me stop hiding. Also that L was very sorry for what she did. So I went back and had a chat with L. She said She wasn't thinking straight (read'I was drunk') and that she would never intentionally hurt me. I said OK and said I accepted her apology.

J was still there chatting with her mates. When she had come to say hello when I first got there she told me that J2 was there too and did we wanna smooch in front of her. (??). No of course not, You know I've have been so depressed the last few weeks it didn't not even bother me that she J2, maybe the most influential person in my life, maybe the love of my life whom I had not spoken to in about 18 months was there. Ther was a time when I would have to leave the bar. But it didn't seem to matter that night.

Just as J and I had sat down at the front, J2 got up to sing karaoke. This would've been excrutiating for her I guess. She knows she cannot sing and was probably doing it to prove something to herself and then to spot me and what looked like my gf in the front having a laugh at her (that was J not me) musta been difficult. I watched J2. She had changed a bit. She had put on weight and her clothes were crap. She looked kinda bloated, she looked like she had cheap trainers on. I was quite surprised J2 always took pride in her appearance but she looked like shit. I guess anyone else would ahve been pleased to see this. I found it curious.

C and I spoke about her. I was surprised that J2 hadn't said hello to me. I know her wel and how she thinks. She could not possibly hold a grudge for that long, she would be 'man' enough to come up and say hello. So i was surprised that she hadn't. C and I went to the loos to debrief. Should I say hello to her? Yes C said but very very casually and not stop for long. Just loko like I was off to speak to someone mor important. I knew that wouldnt wash and I actually wanted to be the bigger person and say yes I do miss you and think about you I admit it. You were very important to me. C made me swear NOT to do that at all. So there I found myself in the toilets wondering if I should wait for her to come out. I was still deciding when she came out. We looked at each other and I felt like a year and a half had not passed at all. She said, I saw you and your mates laughing at my singing. We werent laughing I said, you look well. It's good to see you she said and then some reference to the fight we had when we last saw one another. I mean a proper fight, I got throw out of the club and all her mates got involved. A night I am not proud of at all. I said to her, it could only have ended that way. She said, I think of you sometimes. I said I think of you too. And then she said goodbye and she left.

Which was the best thing. What could I possibly tell her. I dont even know if it was a good idea to open that communicaiton up again. I mean what do I say if we bump into each other again? I mean I know it's been a year and a half but the lesbian scene is small and I've actually been avoiding places I might see her. What I do think tho is that she has moved fom the area.

We should not speak to each other at all. What was siad has been said but neither of us should say anything else.

I know that there is something there still and I know that there will always be something there between us. 15-12 years down the line if we bump into each other it will be there. But God help me I will never go back to her. Not even if she left P and the baby and her life. Not even.

So hey my need not to be alone kicks in. I see J, I told her I am gonna go. She looks pained. We both know we shouldnt spend te night together but call it weakness neediness, I certainly have no stregth whatsoever these days she come home with me and I am so glad that she does.

We spend the next day together talking. I tell her about my depression getting worse and how i think I need to kill myself. This has been a recurring idea with me since I was 13 years old. I attempted suicide when I was 13. Why? Because I suddenly realised what the world was and what life was and I didn't want anything to do with it. Can you imagine having such an overwhelming feeling like that at that age. It consumed me. Til one night I tok an overdoes of about 30 pills. The result was the most nauseatig night of my life. We didn't go to hospital I lay on my sisters bedroom floor feeling like my brains were being squashed out of my ears. and threw up green gunk.

That kinda oput me off trying the overdose again.

The last time I was suicidal I started thinking about carbon monoxide poisoning. But I don think you can do that thesee days with unleaded fuel. God it sounds like a joke doesn't it. You know how hard it is to kill yourself?

I sometimes think I would like to be murdered. In fact sometimes I think I would like that very much.

I'm gonna go now...when I woke up this morning and J was getting ready to leave these feelings of desperatins overcame me again and as she was getting ready I thought to myself. What shall we do today. Dunno, slash my wrists?

Later, I saw her head for the toilets and I guess I followed her in. Was just waiting there thi

Kiss my A*se

2005-06-12T03:35:00.000-07:00

At work today. Tricky getting to work on a Sunday cos all the trains change timetables. Thought about calling the dragon KKK to let her know but thought better of it. She can Kiss my A*se.
Since my job interview the other day seemed to go so well, I am less tolerant of the cr*p that goes on here. Some of the seniors are pathetic.

I didn't get much sleep last night and am a little grumpy. Smarmy JJ is getting on my nerves this morning. I quite like his chirpiness generally but his bad points irritate me sometimes like he can be very me, me, me, insincere, smarmy, shallow, insensitive. All he's been talking about is how much money he earns, how he works so much how great everything is for him. I wish he would put a sock in it.

Went to the boys house last night, A. cracks me up. N, his boyf and their friend disappeared mid way through the night to have - it was rumoured - a threesome. yeeaaauuuccchhhh! So A. and I made up a little song about them, in our language, rollicking upstairs. Roughly translated it went something like' twinkle twinkle little asshole, how i wonder how big you are' etc. etc.

F*ck What Have I Done?

2005-06-11T10:46:00.000-07:00

My best mate C says that this is a pattern with me. Sabotaging relationships ad then majorly regretting it. She says that she is the same and that I should think clearly about what I am doing. She thinks I only want what I cannot have. It's true that J doesn't want me now. Not after what I did. I don't blame her at all. Suddenly feeling very insecure. About what? About the possibility that she's going to meet someone else. J was a real catch. Really beautiful, funny and kind.

I can sense myself talking myself round and round in circles. Maybe this blog will keep my mind off things.

Off to a meeting.

F*ck What Have I Done?

2005-06-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

Am having major doubts about my recent breakup with J.